The Road to 33

 The road to 33 has been a long and at times, quite painful journey, but from where I’m sitting, life is just about to begin.

I was born under an Aries sun and moon, forged in fire. I chose when I wanted to come into this world, 15 days before my due date. I knew that in order to fulfill my destiny and soul’s purpose in this life, I had to arrive exactly as I did, exactly when I did. I believe in soul contracts and I know my soul came back at the time it did to make a big impact in this world. 

I’m not here to play small, but up until 33, I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing. I was caught in the trap of being human and I forgot that my soul came here to do what it’s here to do no matter what I want.

I’ve seen my fair share of challenges in this life. I grew up chronically ill and it was really hard on me, not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. No one tells you how isolating it’s going to be when you grow up sick and stuck in cycles of illness and pain. The kids around you aren’t going to understand what you’re going through or even notice that you’re not there most of the time.

Growing up chronically ill makes building relationships really challenging because consistency doesn’t exist. One minute you’re fine, you seem like a normal kid, teenager, adult, and the next, you’re sick again and taking a week or two to isolate and recover from whatever it is this time.

And then you grow up and you have to be a productive, responsible, functioning member of our capitalist, patriarchal society and your body doesn’t understand. You move through life doing your best, but your best isn’t enough. You can’t live up to society’s expectations no matter how hard you try to push yourself or contort yourself to fit into the boxes you’re told you’re supposed to fit into.

I didn’t go to college or university, that path never felt aligned for me. High school was enough of a struggle to keep up with, how could I manage the pressures and stress of the next level of education?

I was living life with so much unhealed trauma, lacking a sense of self or purpose in this world. I was being told that I had to figure out who I wanted to be in life when I had no idea who I was at all. I had no vision of the future because my body, my nervous system, was keeping me stuck in the past.

I had a good childhood with lots of love that was also sprinkled with trauma and abuse that would change the cellular makeup of my entire being. Through my developmental years, my attachment system would become disorganized and insecure. I would reflect this internal confusion onto my external world for many years to come.

I went through some deeply traumatic experiences around the age of 18 years old that stayed with me until I was ready to heal and witness them with compassion and love at the age of 32. These experiences would be the beginning of my journey with Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I was 19 when I started seeking answers for the pain that was in my body for no reason. The doctors didn’t have an answer for me. I went through about three years of tests and doctors telling me they didn’t know until I moved down to Victoria, got a new doctor and was diagnosed with RA for the first time at 22.

Soon after, without time to process what any of it meant, I met someone that I would end up spending four and a half years trying to love with my whole heart, only to realize when it ended that I had completely abandoned myself in the name of love. I came out of that situation completely lost, not knowing who I was or where I was going in life. My body had never experienced more pain than it did coming out of that relationship. I was diagnosed with RA for the second time, but this time, it was severe.