A brief(ish) history of me

I've always been a sensitive being and it's made navigating this world highly challenging at times, but now I know that my sensitivities are some of my biggest strengths and greatest gifts when understood, honoured and respected, not something to be ashamed of. 

Let's begin from the point of no return I mentioned above;

In September of 2019, at the age of 27, I was diagnosed with severe rheumatoid arthritis. I was prescribed an aggressive treatment plan of immunosuppressants which helped with my autoimmune disease, but caused me unbearable discomfort from the many side effects that I experienced.

My body said no.

In many ways, my body has been saying no for me my whole life with my chronic illnesses. It wasn't until it was screaming at me that I finally listened.

And then 2020 saved my life. Weird, I know.

I was finally able to slow down. I was finally able to breathe and be with my body in ways that were not pushing me further into burnout and survival mode. The lockdowns gave my body the break it needed most and I was grateful.

There was something inside of me that knew there was a way for me to get to the root of what was really causing my body (and mind) so much pain. A way that didn't involve injecting myself with aggressive pharmaceuticals every week and putting my body through hell. There was something inside of me that knew the answer was to heal my unresolved trauma and wounded inner child.

I stayed on the medication long enough for my body to get relief from pain & inflammation and gain some strength.

And then I went inward and embarked on my journey of healing and rebirth. This journey has taken me through many cycles of death and rebirth since and I know that it will be this way forever. Life is about surrendering to these cycles and allowing life to ebb and flow as it's meant to.

In 2020 I started running again. I've turned to running a few times throughout my life, but something about this time felt different, this time I fell deeply in love with the joy of moving my body. When you're on the other side of something really painful, especially when the pain is prolonged, it tends to feel a little bit more wonderful. You appreciate life more deeply, the joy of being.

I became a life & wellbeing coach in 2021 & in 2022 I found breathwork, yoga & somatics and embarked on new adventures

I enrolled in the Pause Breathwork Facilitator training as well as their Somatic Coach training and signed up for a 200hr yoga teacher training at a local studio as well. All of my training programs ended up overlapping and it was too much for my nervous system to handle at once.

I trained, learned, practiced and embodied as much as I could and it was an unbelievably expansive few years that taught me so much and helped me heal and meet so many parts of myself, but my nervous system needed a much slower pace. It was too much too fast and I pushed myself a bit too far.

I finally got to live a dream and explore and adventure into the mountains!

In late September 2023 I went on my first backpacking trip and spent a night in Glacier National Park at Hermit Meadows Campground (pictured above). I don't think anyone really knew the impact that trip had on my life. They didn't know that four years prior I was chronically at a pain level of 7-9/10 and being told that I would have to be on aggressive medication forever, but there I was, medication free and hiking into the mountains for the night. It was surreal.

I came out of this chapter of my evolution and expansion and as I looked towards 2024, I felt so much hope, yet at the same time completely overwhelmed, overstimulated, burnt out and frozen, feeling like I had a million and one things to do right away, but not being able to move or do a single thing. This was the way my nervous system responded to the fires in town at the end of August that summer. I needed to retreat and wanted to curl up in a cocoon of safety and disappear for a while.

It was both wonderful and too much for my sensitive system, I needed to trust my instincts and take a step back

I disappeared in 2024. In some cases I disappeared without a word for the entire year. I've been unable to find the words to communicate clearly what I've wanted to communicate this year. Even the question, "How are you?" has rendered me completely speechless and without response, leaving messages and those who sent them on read for months sometimes because I don't know how to explain how I am, but I also don't know what to say otherwise, so I end up freezing and saying nothing. It has inevitably caused me to push away pretty much everyone I know and love and isolate myself almost entirely.

I ran in my first organized half marathon in June without saying a word or really celebrating myself

I felt a really big contraction in 2024 following the massive expansions in the years and months leading up to it. I needed so much time and space to just be. It was time for me to go inward and process, unravel, integrate, let go, and just be with what was coming up. I felt safe to explore my shadows and to be with what it meant to be me without the influence of other people.

I went into a healing cocoon and restored my sense of self

In a lot of ways I feel like I'm still a bit withdrawn and/or tentative to fully allow myself to be seen and heard in all that I have to share, but I trust that if I just keep showing up in ways that feel aligned that are tolerable and move the needle forward, that I will get there. And it's okay to be messy along the way.

I trust in my intuition, my body, and my breath that everything will fall into place as it's meant to. I'm learning my limits and boundaries and how to honour my energy and gifts without burning myself out.

I look forward to where this journey is taking me because I know I'm being guided home to my most aligned, authentic and true versions of me yet.

And I hope you'll join me for the many adventures along the way

My next stage of this healing journey, which begins as we enter a new year and welcome 2025, is to ReConnect with others and connect more in relationship. All of the messages I've been receiving about this new year is that my theme is going to be around relationships and I'm feeling it align with the timing of my healing journey quite well as well. It's time to ReConnect in community and if you've read all of this and you'd like to connect with me and other self-healers in my breathwork community, learn more here.

P.S. My arthritis continues to improve and I'm slowly getting my hands back. I went through a bumpy experience with one knuckle this year which I'll blog about sometime, but although I still have occasional flare ups and there will be permanent damage in some joints, I won't let it stop me from pursuing a full, free and natural life.